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Paranoid (Voicemail #1)

Hi hon, I hope

You had a nice time at work today

Did you have a nice time at work today?

It’s important to me

Next thing, I wondered

If whatever went on at work today

Or whoever was there at work was more important than me


Cuz this is my seventh voicemail, not that I’m real concerned

Just wondering why none of my thirteen texts have been returned

And of course you know I trust you to the ends of the earth

But your secretary Tori, well now she’s another story

Not that you would ever do that, and you know me so you know that


I’m not paranoid

I just don’t love the way she says your name

I’m not paranoid

Just a little bit suspicious

Not that she’s real competition

Just I know she’s all religious

And your mom hates that I’m Jewish


And I know I sound ridiculous

But far lesser suspicions have caused heartache and harm

And you should know

If we don’t talk through this

At your next workplace luncheon

I might break one of her tiny Christian arms

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